We are breaking down. Our way of life is the sand that is already a foot above our heads. We are not victims of any major tragedy or injustice; just our own choices and life circumstances. The details are inconsequential at this point, however the reality is that what we are doing as-is is unsustainable.
-Everyone has dreams until they wake up and find that the mortgage is due.-
The conversation that my wife and I had tonight left me frustrated, overwhelmed, and honestly feeling quite hopeless. For those familiar with our family dynamic, you know that we do not fit the “traditional” role of the working dad and stay at home mom. It has been opposite for us since mid-2006. In reality, this is not the root of our stress, it is that we own a business and that business is our sole source of income. This business has required both of us, but especially my wife, to work a lot of hours to make it go. The work load has never really waned and we have added two more kids to the mix. The stress of the workload is partly my fault being that I quit my corporate job right after opening our business (long story). I regret this decision. I think my wife resents me for it.
Our business is successful, but at the expense of my wife’s 5 years of countless hours (and continuing) , most of our savings, and a chunk of debt. Given time, the financial sacrifices could work out, but that is the problem: time. My wife can’t handle it much longer. Our family can’t handle it much longer. Something has to change and I feel the burden.
Me taking on a job brings a whole new set of challenges. Between my responsibilities to my kids and house and my 20-30 hours per week working for our business, I don’t have much time left or the flexibility to take on more work. In lieu of me getting a job we began building a business with Melaleuca as an additional source of income. It is growing, but it takes work … a lot of work. It is too early to see what will come of this.
In our discussion we talked about my plan to start school in a few months. This is a means to a change, but I have at least 5 years ahead of me in which my wife will still have to work hard, I will still be an active part in running the business, we still have three children to raise, our fence and deck are still falling apart, the mileage on our jeep is not going backwards, and I will have to fit in time for classes and study. Nothing will change … it will get more challenging. We did not seem to get beyond this point in our conversation.
The hard core reality is this: something has to change and I don’t know what that will look like. I do not have a piece of paper recognizing my years of self-education and experience. My career options tend to be limited to more meager wage brackets because of this fact. Changing our roles quickly has profound ramifications and comes with a lot of risk. We have a lot to lose (materially), but we also have a lot to gain (emotionally). Nothing will be done in haste.
This brings me to my other thought. Art. This is what I am good at. I am really good at it. Creating art is natural and satisfying. When it comes to creativity, I am focused and driven well beyond anything else in my life. I have endless ideas and inspiration when I can set aside my cares and really give it my all. I am able to express ideas that can stir profound reactions within observers. People have gushed to me at how much they love the works that I have created. This is all great …
…but I don’t make any money at it. I sell a few paintings here and there (thanks mom!) and really only for a fraction more than what I put into them in materials. I put together a book and sold enough to cover my initial cost of printing them. I have tried cards and prints with little luck. This is what I am good at and I put my heart into it. How could I support my family with this? Is there a way? I have the drive but I need a direction to go. Do I need to move or pursue venues in larger cities? I don’t know. I don’t know who buys art and how to reach them.
Art has never been about money to me. I don’t think it ever will. However what is happening is that the more stress on my family and life, the less art I produce. I don’t have time. When I do have time, I am exhausted. When I am exhausted I have very little focus.
This is my dream. I could spend my life creating; making this world a more beautiful place. I could give God honor in using these gifts to speak powerful things to people through images and words. I could do this with my wife and kids living with peace and not having to stress about life. This may only be a dream.
